Friday, August 7, 2009

Montreal Canadiens Puck Bunnies

Urbania is a hip francophone magazine/web site that covers life in Quebec from a decidedly youngish point of view. If you have good French, try it.

Catherine Perreault-Lessard wrote an article a couple of months ago on the women who throw themselves at hockey players known in French by the insulting term 'Plottes a Puck'.

In English they are are called 'Puck Bunnies,' while in my day they were called 'Groupies' and in my father's day, they were called 'Jock Sniffers'
Whatever the term, they are those woman that seek out the company of hockey players solely for the thrill of hooking up.

If you have good French please read the article entitled "PUCK BUNNY" here.

For the rest of you, here are some translated passages of the most interesting parts;

Sunday evening, in Club Opera.
Up against the bar, a young woman sensually licks the ear lobe of a goalie's while slowly running her nails along his leg. Next to them, two girls are kissing full on the mouth in front of a defenceman and invite him to join their tender duet. Finally, in a dark corner, a shameless rookie, caresses the buttocks and breasts of a college student before burying his fingers in her underwear. Welcome into the world of Puck Bunnies........

the hot girls hang around the bars and hotel lobbies, hoping desperately to end the night with Carey Price, Mike Komisarek, or at worst, the least ugly of the two Kostitsyn brothers... ...When I began my research on the topic, my first instinct was to contact Réjean Tremblay, the author of the series 'Lance et Compte'(the TV show about pro hockey players-ed.).... -
-"Puck bunnies", are they real?"
-"What do you think? Of course they exist."
-"What we saw on 'Lance" and the girls who were waiting for players in hotels, does it happen like that in real life? Is it as intense?"
-"More in reality than in the series. Why do you think the Canadiens organization has offered players to bring their wives along when they play in Florida? Because they lose there all the time. When they play there, 25 girls are waiting for them after each game!" - My God! If you knew all the stories I have seen in my career "...
To support his claim, he tells some salty stories.
-"One day I was doing an interview with a Montreal player in his room in Buffalo, when another player knocks on his door and asks him if he wanted to try sleeping with two girls at the same time. Another time, during a flight, I saw a Canadiens player do two girls, one after the other, in the bathroom. During the playoffs in Long Island, a dozen members Canadian management were guarding the elevators to ensure that girls didn't get into the players rooms, but they managed to sneak in up the fire escapes."
If I wanted to pierce the mystery, I would have to watch the puck bunnies in their natural habitat: the clubs. To achieve this, I needed an ally, an insider who would show me where the Canadiens players go out on their days off. By researching on the Internet (Carey Price girlfriend), I discovered the blogger JT Utah.
In Quebec, JT is the benchmark for gossip about the Canadiens players. He knows everything about the private lives of Carbo's guys, the trip to Cancun, their one-night stand with girls picked up at the 'Globe' (restaurant/bar-ed.), the colour of their babies' diapers, the size of their penis. During our first contact, he revealed that the players held court on Sunday at Club Opera......

28 September 2008

I agree to meet JT Utah,
the blogger at the corner of St. Lawrence and St. Catherine, in the largest bar in Montreal. .... After a quick tour of the place, we head straight to the mezzanine where the Canadiaens players are....
Guillaume Latendresse and his brother Olivier are already at the bar....
The party is well underway..... -
-"You see, there is Francis Bouillon and Maxime Lapierre" JT whispers to me.
-"Bouillon, that little dwarf?"

-"Listen, you don't know the players?"
-"It's hard, they always have a helmet on"...
-"Rule number one, if you want to be a real Puck Bunny, you must be able to identify them. Those who go out are mostly young: Higgins, Kostytsin, Gorges ... Guys like Dandenault, Brisebois and Koivu, are not that sort."

-"At 33 and 2 children, he has other things to do than go grind a bunch of groupies at the Opera."
- "And Guillaume, didn't he just have a baby?"....

On the mezzanine, the twenty-somthing barbies are quietly entering..... They desperately
try to be noticed with great bursts of laughter and false batting of their eyelashes. Next to JT and me, the impressive Mike Pleakanek and Jaroslav Halak order a bucket of Coors Light. Sergei Kostitsyn, Chris Higgins, Carey Price join them, the chicks, too.
Some of them even dare to address a right winger from Saint-Léonard and have a few shooters with him.

-"This is what fame is in Montreal, there aren't really any real big celebrities. Our Hollywood celebrities are Carey Price, who is our Brad Pitt. Mike Komisarek is our Tom Cruise. Georges Laraque is our Lil Wayne!"...

Near us, the players from the Florida Panthers - who played against the Canadiens today - arrive in a VIP bus. Fifteen minutes later, some twenty girls, escorted by the doorman, join them....

At about two o'clock in the morning, I draw attention to young JT, a young college girl grabbing a rookie and taking him on the dance floor. "Check it out!"

The blond places her hand behind the
player's neck and gently scratches the front of his neck with her nails. A true-blue Puck Bunny. A second later, they are Frenching full on the mouth. Two seconds later, he grabs her breast. Three seconds later, they play touch pee-pee in a dark corner. Four seconds later, she asks him to stop. Five seconds later, she's gone.

.... I ask JT Utah:
- "What happened?"
- "It's because it wasn't big enough. Believe me, if was Carey Price, things would have been different! ..."That guy, all he has to do is choose a girl and ask the barmaid to approach her for him. She'll tell the girl, "Carey Price wants to talk to you." That's it. The deal is closed."
-"How do you know that?
-"One of the barmaids who works here told me."....

.....At the bar, a few inches away from us, players are surrounded by a halo of girls. The ratio is 3 to 1 (OK, say "5 to 1 for Carey Price and 1 for 1 for the 4th line guy ). Even the most ugly players, those that I wouldn't touch with a hockey stick, have their own harem...

...It is almost three o'clock in the morning. The players are drunk and are about to choose which girl they're going to bring them home. To help them make their mind, the Puck Bunnies are making indecent proposals, whispering in the hollow of the players' ear, offering sensual kisses and massages of the crotch.

... The competition is fierce and all the stops are pulled out in order to make sure that they finish up the evening in the Nun's Island condo of their favorite player.
... I received a call from a friend who had found a Puck Bunny - 'Jenny', who was prepared to tell all.

The following Wednesday, I suggested that she meet me at 'Radio Lounge' in the Dix30 Complex, where I learned from my research that some of the Brossard Habs were accustomed to hanging out.

29 October 2008

Wednesday evening, 11PM. Radio Lounge is full of about 450 who are wearing Parasuco
shirts, but no Canadiens player in sight. I sit on a bench with Jenny, a pretty blond in her twenties who works the clubs.
After a few minutes chatting, she tells me she's been attracted to hockey players since the age of 14.

- "It's the equipment! I am not like other Puck Bunnies. I'm not into their cash and I don't like the game. I like their package, regardless of their level."
With our vodka and grape juice, Jenny tells me at length of her relationships with players from the Canucks, the Islanders and Quebec Remparts...who incidentally were all cheating....

- "Why do you stay with them?- "Because it's my fantasy. Just seeing them get up in the morning, puting on their jogging to go to the arena, it makes me crazy. It is purely sexual"

The interview draws to a close. It is almost one o'clock in the morning and still no trace of CH players. Unable to stay at Dix30 for a second longer I get Jenny to leave. On our way back, crossing the Champlain bridge, I want to talk "tactics."
- "What's your trick for success?
- "First, you need to have an air of a confident slut. Guys are very open to flirting and they love to be approached by beautiful girls. Secondly, you shouldn't look like a groupie. Guys hate girls who just
talk their stats.
-"It's not more complicated, than that?
- "No, it's easy enough. Hockey players, all they want to do is to is score. As they often say: "A hole is a hole.""Child's play."

The next morning, when I arrived at the office, I talked about Jenny to some of the girls on the job.

- "Why don't you try to do one?" challenges one of my colleagues.
- "What?
- "A Canadiens player."

- "
It seems to me that it would be the best way to understand what they are, right? "
- "You're quite right."

Sunday evening.
This time I wear fuck-me-leather boots, a nice pearl necklace and a black dress cut low, just over my
lace bra. Walking makes me feel so sexy that I hear "You Can Leave Your Hat On" by Joe Cocker with each of my steps.

- "You're going to Club Opera?" asks the taxi driver who picked me up on Saint-Urbain.
- "Yes. How do you know that?- "Hey ... you're all chrome. "

I meet with JT on the inside. Unfortunately, on the mezzanine - the usual haunt - there's no trace of the Habs. Patiently, hoping they come, I ordered a round of tequila shooters, the only thing that can give me the courage to play the part of a Puck Bunny....

...After an hour, I
finally see a defenceman climb the stairs to the mezzanine. There's hope.
- "Shit, there is a girl with him. Do you think it's his girlfriend? "
- "You mean one of the blonds," says JT.

Right in front of us, a big blond kisses the girl first and then turns around to embrace the second. Once done, the two partners French sensuously in front of the player before inviting him to join them. In the end, their three mouths become one. I'm astounded.
- "I can't believe that they dare to do this in front of everyone. Three quarters of the bar must have camera-phones."
- "Yeah, you are right. But imagine how proud these girls will be tomorrow morning when they write it up on Facebook that they Frenched M.....

I interrupt him to point out Carey Price at the bar. I know because I spent three hours last night studying the player profiles on the Canadiens web site....
"Go talk to him, he's right there." says JT Utah.

The problem is that the goalkeeper is surrounded by three girls with fake breasts and waists the size of my wrist(read: dancers). Second problem is that they are wrapped around him like lioness's protecting their children. I don't think they will let me approach him...
-"If Tom Kostopoulos was here, I think it would be easier."

I approach the bar and try all means to establish eye contact with Carey. I bat my eyelashes, I make hearts with my lips and I smile to myself with frowned eyebrows, to look mysterious.
Carey remained cool.
Determined, I stick my two arms against each of my breasts and I push in to enhance my cleavage... No reaction. Nothing, nyet, nada.
The only one who seems intrigued by my little carousel is a neighbor on the left: a young man...who looks like 'Turtle' from 'Entourage.'

I smile. He smiles at me.

- "Who is it? Do you think he is the best friend?"
- "No, he's the assistant to the equipment manager of the Canadian."
...It is almost two o'clock in the morning. In front of me, I have the choice between a defenceman who doesn't have enough language to make a pass, a sex-symbol goalie wrapped in dancers and 'Turtle'. If I were a real puck bunny, I'd probably take the second choice. Carey Price, single, rich and incredibly beautiful. But I am not a real Puck Bunny. Anyway, I'm out of my class and can't beat someone with 36-24-36 figure. I'm missing the 24... and the 36.

Except that and despite everything, I'm not desperate enough to do Turtle.
A little respect.

I throw a glance towards the defenceman who is now Frenching two girls, I take a breath and look back to JT:
"Do you know what bars I can find some ordinary guys?"